Sunday we did something we rarely do anymore. We took a picnic to the park. Purchasing fried chicken with sides along with some lemonade and ice tea, we spread our blankets on the ground for a picnic the old fashioned way.
As we laid out our lunch, Dave discarded something in the trash. As he did so, he was greeted with hissing and snarling of the meanest kind. He noticed the lid was off the trash can, so he cautiously peered into the receptacle. There, crouched at the bottom, was a raccoon.
Apparently, he jumped in to have his fill only to discover he had no way of getting back up the straight sides of the barrel. (We did contact the parks department to help the animal out of his predicament.)
Dave had nothing to do with this poor animal’s current situation. As a matter of fact, if the raccoon had asked, we would have told him it was a bad idea. And yet, he snarled and snapped as if we were the cause. Of course, the raccoon was scared and just protecting himself the only way he knew to do.
But how often do we do the same thing? We get ourselves into a troubling situation because of our own foolishnes or greed, and then snarl and snap at those who walk by? Or perhaps just as likely, we get angry at God.
Is it really God’s fault? Did you ask him about it beforehand? Perhaps we, too, are only scared and protecting ourselves. Since we are not senseless animals, the choice is ours to receive the help we need without biting the hand that offers. If you’re in a mess, humble yourself and admit you made a wrong turn. Today is always a good day for a fresh start. And remember, Jesus loves even you!
Going-to-the-Sun-Road in Glacier National Park by Tim Rains, National Park Service
Today I travel to Montana to visit my mom, siblings and a few of my nieces and nephews. It is interesting that, after 35 years, I still call Montana “home.” I grew up just a short drive from West Glacier, the gateway to Glacier National Park, pictured above.
So what makes a place “home?” It’s more than the geography. Home is the place of our family affection. It is the place that nurtures us, protects us, forms us. For me that happened in Big Sky Country.
I grew up on a farm with 80 acres of tillable land and 80 acres of conifer woods along the Flathead River. Summer days found me mowing lawn, pulling weeds in the garden or harvesting produce to preserve for winter. If we couldn’t grow it in the garden or raise it in the barn, we rarely ate it. Milking cows, gathering eggs, making butter were all regular activities. Mom even tried her hand at cheese which wasn’t very successful. We bought cheese.
When the work was finished, my sister and brother and I went to the woods. Many days we played among the trees building forts, running from imaginary enemies or conquering the wild west. If the river was low enough, we made our way to the water’s edge and walked up and down the banks of the river. There was an old car in the river and we frequently played in it. There were so many things to imagine and discover!
Our farm consisted of the farmhouse where we lived and an odd assortment of outbuildings. My dad saved everything so it was a continual treasure hunt to play in the buildings. There was an unused garage next to the house that protected the most wonderful layers of discarded items. Sometimes we would gather our courage and clear out some space to play inside the building. It felt like the boxcar children everyday!
Another of my favorite summer activities was huckleberry picking. A huckleberry is similar to a blueberry, but unlike it in so many ways. The berry is much smaller, shiny and more tart than a blueberry. It is wild and grows on low scrubby bushes in the mountains. You have to hunt for them. Of course, we had our favorite patches. Mom would let us pick and sell ours to make a little money. At the time, a gallon of berries sold for $16. That was more than thirty years ago. We thought we had won the lottery when we were able to sell a gallon. (The berries are currently selling for $65/pound. Check here for other huckleberry facts.)
Of course, things have changed since I left home 36 years ago. My father passed away, Mom moved off the farm, my brother farms the tillable land, the woods is protected. But we still visit the farm and wander the woods and we still pick huckleberries.
A few years ago, returning to Indiana from a visit to Montana, I knew I was coming HOME. I thought about my own children and their heritage. Indiana is their home. It is their place of family affection. It is where their earliest memories formed; it is the place they forged their way and became their own person.
There is another home I look forward to going some day. Jesus said:
“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.
John 14:1-3
Although I haven’t seen heaven, I experience Jesus on a daily basis. He promised to go and prepare a place just for me. But he also promised to always be with me here. He hasn’t left me abandoned. We can speculate what heaven will be like; there are even books written on what we can expect. And then I am reminded of the scripture that says “no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can imagine what God has prepared for those who love him.” ( 1 Corinthians 2:9; Isaiah 64:4)
I think heaven will be like Montana with rugged mountains, clear, cold water, blue endless skies. There will be forests to discover, rivers to run, treasures to find. The berries will be abundant; adventure will be endless.
Today might look really gloomy to you. Tragedy may have struck, bills due, discord knocks. Whatever it is, I invite you to turn your eyes toward home. Remember that the glory that awaits you far outweighs anything you might experience today. And it is your choice where you fix your gaze.
Today, on the other hand, might shine brighter than the sun. Prosperity landed, abundance is yours, peace reigns. I invite you to turn your eyes toward home as well. Nothing you experience here compares to the glory of what is prepared for you for eternity. Don’t let shiny things here turn your eyes away from the splendor of HOME!
Until next time…
May the Lord bless you and protect you.
May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you.
May the Lord show you his favor and give you peace.
It is the early morning hours. The time when dawn gently taps me awake, nudging me into consciousness while my body continues to slumber. The first rays of awareness break through, exposing the heaviness that has been my companion these last few days.
I do the only thing I know to do in these moments. I cry out to God. What is this? What is causing me to feel so downcast? What do I need to see? And I wait….
I don’t wait long before a song begins to play in my mind. It’s one I haven’t sung in a long time. Until Friday, when Finley wanted music while she played.
I am so glad that our Father in heaven tells of his love in the book he has given.
Wonderful things in the Bible I see, this is the dearest that Jesus loves me.
I am so glad that Jesus loves me, Jesus loves me, Jesus loves me.
I am so glad that Jesus loves me, Jesus loves even me.
In those predawn hours, I listen to the simple song whispering to my mind. Realization begins to dawn. This is what Father needed me to hear this morning. This is the message I have been overlooking.
JESUS loves me! Jesus LOVES me! Jesus loves ME! JESUS LOVES EVEN ME!
He loves me just as I am. He’s got this. I can stop striving and know that I am loved.
JESUS loves you! Jesus LOVES you! Jesus loves YOU! JESUS LOVES EVEN YOU!
Today we had the awesome privilege of spending the afternoon at a friend’s pool. The pool deck is surrounded by beautiful plantings of both perennials and annuals. Her flower pots overflowed with geraniums, petunias and sweet potato vines of various colors inviting a person to lay back and relax!
Another friend and I retreated immediately to the floating devices in the pool. As we languidly floated around the pool, my friend commented on the sweet potato vines. She also planted some at her house but hers were tattered by bug bites. She wondered aloud how our friend kept hers looking so nice.
Eventually I got out of the pool and took a passing glance at the pots. Upon closer inspection, I found that the vines so gracefully adorning these pots were also flecked with bug bites.
The moral of the story: everyone’s vines have bug bites. Some are just hidden better than others. You be you!
You might be wondering what in the world this reading has to do with parenting. In my experience as a parent, I spent too much time thinking about what other parents were doing or thought they would do. I followed other parents patterns in an attempt to get it right. The truth is, “right” is what works for you and your children.
If I could tell anything to parents at all stages, I would say this: Stop watching/listening to social media! Sure, there are some good bits of information we glean from social media platforms. I, quite frankly, think this blog is a great use of social media.
When I was having my children, we didn’t have Facebook, Twitter, Instragram or the internet. We just had regular face-to-face conversation. And that was difficult enough. I remember one mother whose baby slept through the night at a very young age and self-soothed to go to sleep. My child didn’t do that. But when another mother said how important it was to have a child who could soothe themselves, I went right home and got to it! That was a terrible amount of pressure to put on myself.
And that is what is happening today on social media. Moms post pictures of their children and glow about their accomplishments. Did you ever see a parent posting that their child is wrecking their life? Because that is how we feel sometimes and that’s just being honest. We know they aren’t trying to punish us, but it sure feels like it when they have been awake most of the night crying or they run screaming to their room.
So, don’t call travesty everything another parent calls travesty! Look to God to give you wisdom. Check in with trusted parents who are further along than you in the journey. I have a friend ten years older than me. She has been my sounding board for over twenty years. I am blessed to have her in my life. Look for someone like that.
And remember, this too shall pass! And it will be so quickly!
P/S: You’re doing a great job in whatever stage you are in right now! Keep it up!
No one ever said parenting adult children would be so difficult. Maybe it isn’t the children who are so difficult. I think it might be that as parents, we don’t know how to adjust. No one told us.
We have grown accustomed to being a constant in the lives of our children. We direct them, give advice, challenge their decisions, set boundaries, help with finances.
Suddenly, they are adults. They have their own homes. They have jobs. They have responsibility. They make decisions. And we are “over there” somewhere and it feels downright strange.
Last week, we had a pop-up dinner. All three of our children were there with their spouse/fiance, as well as a close adult friend of my daughter. I took the opportunity to quiz them about their current need for parenting. I asked what they needed as adults from their parents. This is what I learned that night.
Respect. Adult children need to know that you honor them as individuals and value their worth as people. In spite of the fact that they are your children, they don’t want to be treated as children.
Approval. Adult children need to know that you see them and that you know how hard they are working. This applies to them as professionals, home owners, parents and every other area where they are putting forth effort. They need to hear the words, “I’m so proud of you.”
Space. Adult children want to know that you are there for them and that you think about them. But they don’t want to come home from work to find you in their home redecorating, cleaning or doing laundry. Unless of course, you had spoken with them about it prior to doing the work. A text message throughout the week reminding them that they are in your prayers and thoughts means a lot. A phone call before you stop in is most appreciated.
Unconditionality. This means interactions with our adult children are not limited by conditions. Knowing they are unconditionally loved, accepted, appreciated and honored regardless if their choices and decisions are different from yours. It encompasses where they choose to live, the job they pursue, whether or not they are married or have children. They need to know how you feel about them doesn’t depend on meeting any conditions.
Friendship. This is an interesting concept for some parents to embrace. When our children are young, we live by the mantra “I am their parent, not their friend” as we strive to maintain a stable, consistent home environment. As they mature, their need for a mature adult friend increases. Perhaps some more readily embrace the term mentor rather than friend. Whichever term you feel comfortable with, adult children need you to be their friend more than a parent.
I share the following example with my daughter’s full knowledge. She had her first child in 2016. At the time, she was working part time and so the two grandma’s split the babysitting needs and took care of Finley. After a few months, Emily changed jobs and needed more childcare. She and Cory decided to enroll Finley in a local daycare. To say this was difficult for me is mild. I wondered why she didn’t follow in my footsteps and stay at home. At the same time, I saw that her interactions at work enabled her to be a better person which made her a better mom. I prayed about it …a lot. I really wanted her to change her mind about working so much, but that isn’t what happened. She took Finley to daycare full time.
I do not share this to advocate staying at home or for utilizing daycare. I share this as an illustration of adult parenting. I had to really step back and allow them to parent and make decisions very different from the ones we made. And in the process, I didn’t want to ruin our relationship. I learned to love and support them without conditions. I regularly find aspects of parenting they do really well and share what I see. I make an effort to tell her that I am proud of her as a mom, wife and professional. Even when I am tempted to do otherwise, I give them space to be their own people.
The urge I fight the most with my adult children is “being the solution.” This ranges from providing childcare to financial resources. It is difficult for me to see them struggle but, as I shared earlier this week, the struggle is necessary. So, I remind myself to step away from the children. I pray for perspective, I listen and encourage. Some days I even get it right.
I also recognize that my experiences as a parent of adult children are still limited. Looking at my own parents, their children experienced divorce, addictions, jail, financial difficulty, discord and death.
Parenting is an every changing scape. Living with open hands has made it easier for me. For sure, I grieved the change from one stage to the next, but in every season there are great things to embrace and enjoy.
In my studies to obtain my degree, I took Adoloscent Growth and Development. It wasn’t my favorite class. The professor was very soft spoken and I always felt like I couldn’t quite hear what she was saying. She promised we wouldn’t be tested on picture captions in the chapters we studied, but the test would say otherwise. It was the only class in six years that I received an A-. I’m still salty about it.
I remember one thing from that class: our brains do not fully mature until somewhere between the ages of 18-25. That means our adoloscent children are operating on a partially matured brain. That explains a lot! It should also give us more grace toward them.
It explains irrational behavior and rash decisions. It explains mood swings and drama. It explains nearly everything.
It may explain it, but it doesn’t excuse it nor does it make it easier.
Our oldest daughter (and her husband) still feel cheated that she had a curfew. (They started dating at age 15 and were married seven years later. They are better for it.)
Our son is still upset that I wouldn’t let him go to the 8th grade Valentine dance. (My older daughter said it was no place for him. I believed her.)
Our youngest daughter thought it was a travesty that she couldn’t date anyone in the fourth grade. (She felt cheated for many years.)
Perhaps you have an adoloscent and their ability to make good decisions is impaired. Good news! It isn’t impaired, it hasn’t developed! Stay consistent. Listen well. Be the strong adult leader God intended you to be!
As parents, we focus so much on how to be good parents. We want to be wise and make good boundaries for our children. What if we focused, instead, on being attentive followers of Jesus? If we are filled with his love and divine nature, we will parent our children with all the love and grace that anyone could want. It’s just a thought.
One of the first adjustments a parent makes is sending their children to school. (If you decide to homeschool, the issues are different but still very real. That was not my experience, so I cannot speak to those.) I sent three children to school and I experienced three different responses.
Our oldest daughter loved school. She loved it so much, in fact, that in the first week of school she informed me that Mrs. Yoder was the best person in the world. I, on the other hand, was “wrecking her life” because I made her go to bed. Quite frankly, I didn’t enjoy competing with her kindergarten teacher for her love and affection.
Our son hated school. He put on his brave face and went to his classroom like a trooper, but an hour or so later, I received a call from the school. He was a mess. The first week of school, I spent a lot of time conjoling Ryan and assuring him that he could be a happy farmer at school. I even gave him a Jolly Rancher to have in his pocket to remind him to be a Happy Farmer. Cheesy? Yes. At the end of the first week he told me he didn’t like it because “it is too much time away from you.” How sweet, right?! (He denies that today.) He also informed me at the end of the first week: “I will think about it and decide if I will go back on Monday.” Obviously, this wasn’t my preferred response to school either.
Our youngest daughter left for school with a bounce in her step and she adjusted very well. She didn’t say I was ruining her life when I announced bed time and she didn’t mind being apart from me. This was helpful to me as a mom, while at the same time difficult. It seems like she could have missed me just a little.
Your children will all be different and respond in their own unique way to changes in routine and in life. And their responses may not remain constant.
Twelve years after beginning school, all three of our children went to college. Interestingly, they all experienced their freshman year at the same university.
Our oldest daughter (and I) cried the first two weeks of her freshman year. It was gut wrenching to have her gone. She called nearly every day the entire four years of college.
Our son couldn’t wait to go to college and never once looked back. He didn’t call often, but we still remained a vital part of his life.
Our youngest daughter willing went to college and spent her first year on campus. The first semester went fairly well, at least on the outside. The second semester increased in difficulty every day. By finals week, I spoke to her three or four times a day in an effort to calm her fears about finishing well. She opted to live at home the final three years and study at a local university. This was a life-giving decision for her.
In many things, there isn’t a right or wrong. Children are just different. As parents, we do well to give them room to not only be different from one another, but to change along the way. Things that came easily at one point in life, may not always be easy.
In our scripture reading today, Paul emphasized that in the body of Christ we are all different and yet so necessary. The same is true in our families. We are all put together in unique and valuable ways. Caring for one another and appreciating those differences is essential.
Be alert and flexible as parents, allowing children to flex, grow and change. Love them deeply. Stay in their corner.
Dave and I are in an awesome phase of parenting – empty nesters.
Most parenting begins at the same place: infants and toddlers. The most basic job a parent has in this stage is to keep the children alive. Somedays it feels like herding cats.
Parenting toddlers!
I remember the day I came upon my youngest daughter with the baby powder container. She was covered from head to toe as she continued to sprinkle the powder into her hands and rub it on her legs looking at me with the most innocent of faces. She smelled delightful. So did my carpet.
Or the day I found my son with the box of tampons. He was patiently opening each one and pulling them apart. It was a tedious task. No wonder he was so quiet.
And how about the time I discovered my toddler picking her nose at night and rubbing it on the wall. At least she wasn’t eating it, right? Eventually I just papered over the booger covered wall. I couldn’t wash them off.
At this stage of parenting, adults are the strong human leaders of the littles. We dress them, point them in the right direction and hope they don’t get their clothes dirty or a hole in their pants before we get to where we are going.
And so they grow. The issues change over the next stages of growth and development, but certainly parents are needed to provide boundaries, listen to heartbreak stories, pick up pieces when they fall, hold them back when they are on the precipice of disaster.
Then, somehow, we find ourselves with nearly grown children. They still sleep at home at night, but they drive, earn money, make decisions and those inevitable words begin to loom on the horizon – EMPTY NESTERS. Because this is the ultimate stage of parenting.
This is where Dave and I find ourselves. We are genuine empty nesters. Two of our children are married, one is engaged to be married but has lived on her own for a couple of years. They are gainfully employed, owning homes and cars and all things necessary for independent living. Suddenly, we find ourselves with a lot of space.
This is not a bad thing. It is different. And it brings it’s own challenges. We are still parents, but now we are parenting adult children. In this wide open space of parenting, the rules of engagement change. We no longer set boundaries for our children. We don’t remind them to come home on time, or put away their clothes. We don’t provide an allowance or take away their car keys if they misbehave.
There are times when we watch them struggle but we aren’t invited to participate either in word or action. These children of ours are building their own homes, with their own children and stepping out of the way so they can do that is difficult. No one said it would be so hard.
At the same time, it is also rewarding. It is a blessing to watch our children struggle and succeed. Just like the butterfly coming out of the cocoon, there needs to be a little struggle to build strong wings. Difficult to watch, yes. Necessary, yes.
Eventually, they say the roles reverse and our children will begin to parent us. I witnessed that with my husband’s parents who both passed away. Indeed, there may come a time when we need assistance from our children. But, to my children I say, it’s not yet!
Where are you in this journey called parenting? Perhaps you have not begun. Some will decide not to take this road, others strive with no success. No matter where you find yourself right now, enjoy the journey. Maybe you are in the midst of diapers and late night feedings, toddler activity or adoloscent angst, high school drama, post high decisions or empty nesting – every stage has it’s highs and lows. And virtually every stage will pass to the next one like the changing of seasons. Sometimes roughly, other times without much notice.
Two words come to mind that I would like to put before you regarding parenting.
Consistency and Respect
One of the most difficult aspects of character development for me was consistency. Tedium sets in when a parent continues to encounter the same obstacles day after day. And it is tempting to just throw your hands in the air and say, “Who cares!” But you care! I cared! We will never be sorry if we remain consistent with our children.
The best and most profound advice I received regarding child rearing came from a cousin. One afternoon as we talked about successfully raising children, I asked her what she does. She said, “I respect them.” I went silent.
Respect is to esteem someone, to recognize their sense of worth and excellence. And your children deserve your respect. There is no greater gift than to look at your child and esteem and value their worth and the excellent traits they bring into the world. This simple advice changed the way I saw my children.
Stay tuned this week as I sort through the boxes of childhood memories and share anecdotes of parenting. If you aren’t a parent yet or the journey to parenting has been wrought with difficulty, my heart goes out to you. That is so discouraging and I honor you as you take next steps in the process.
Until next time…
May the Lord bless you and protect you.
May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you.
May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.
I think that’s the reason we become parents. Seriously! If we knew how hard it would be, we might take a second thought. But I know why I had children in spite of how difficult it was at times. Because I believed that, in the end, it would all be worth it. The joy would outweigh the sorrow. The reward would be worth the cost. And that is exactly how it has been. I wouldn’t trade having children for anything in the world, but it isn’t easy.
There is no easy stage in child rearing. Some stages are just preferred to others. And to be honest, most days feel like a crapshoot – a risky or uncertain matter. We try to understand our children. You know, what makes them tick, how they will respond, their patterns and personalities. Somedays we get it. And the next day, it is like we have a completely different child. See, a crapshoot!
My advice to new parents: approach life with children gently and with a sense of humor. These little bundles aren’t trying to wreck your life. This too shall pass.
My advice to all parents: they aren’t trying to wreck your life. Love them deeply, stay in their corner, you will get smarter in a few years. This too shall pass.
Jesus loved the children and said we should be like them. I don’t think he meant narcissitic; but rather, pure, innocent, full of joy, eager to learn, willing to take a chance.
I am certainly not an expert on parenting. I realized that as soon as I had my first child. But I learned a few things along the way and I thought it would be fun to take a wander through my archives of parenting experiences. Who knows what we will encounter! I hope this helps you, my readers, to be gentle with yourselves if you are parents and maybe even provide a laugh or two along the way.
Out of the Chaos 