It started October 21, 1984. Prior to this date, I had experiences that were frightening or unnerving. Like the time in high school when my friend and I were chased by a male in a black truck. Or the time my sister and I were housesitting and two young men tried to get in the house.
This was different in that there was not a specific event. It was more of a psychological break down, a panic attack. And it lasted for many years – like more than ten. Not to the same degree but it was always with me.
One lie especially prevalent during that time was “You are not safe. God may or may not protect you.” It turned into an attack on my love for God. The voice told me that if I just loved God more and lived right than he would protect me from the terrifying things that haunted me.
One evening in particular, my husband was out of town and something triggered my terror response. I did not feel safe which automatically triggered the voice that said, “if only you loved God more.”
I was driving home alone late at night and my panic level was rising. The radio was playing and in my turmoiled state, the lyrics of the song spoke softly to my heart. Now, I believe God can speak through anything he wants to use, even country music. This is what I heard that night…
I love the way you love me…heart and soul, so completely. I love the way you love me.
I know this song isn’t about my love for God. I know this is referring to romantic love. But that night, God broke through my panic and terror to give me a message. As I listened to this song, I knew he was speaking to me. I felt his presence, his tender embrace, his look of love. I didn’t need to love him more or better or differently. He loved not only how much I loved him, but everything about me. My heart stopped racing, my stomach settled and I returned to homeostasis.
What way does God speak to you that seems odd? Do you have trouble accepting it because it doesn’t fit into religious categories? How can you develop ears that hear his voice to you?